some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
there is glitter all over my balls
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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