and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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