The maid of honor just puked.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
