but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
