cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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