I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
