Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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