i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
