Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Shame - the story of my life.
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