Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
