I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
