I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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