Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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