I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
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