I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She even gives head with a lisp.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
