having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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