Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
