I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
