You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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