walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
