you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
