When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You were trust falling into bushes
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
