Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
