The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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