that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
4 words: hood of his car
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
