Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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