I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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