I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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