I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
