she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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