My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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