If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
