I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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