She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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