he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
