oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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