i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
