I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Pants are for mortals
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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