I wish I only lived at night.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
