New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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