is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i drank out of a bidet.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
