I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I CAN MOONWALK!
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
