Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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