We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
