So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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