he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This is my gift to your gina
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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