you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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