Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
