i jhust puked up my retainher.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
