if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
