i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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