i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
