Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Sext me about skeletons
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
