The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
