mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
